Origins of Garfield
by Nonbendo
Summary: How did such a manly cat ever come to be. Well, I am not shakespearHemmingway, but I have divened the trutth with parot cards! read and discover the mascultinity of the Garfield.


The grand and exotic origins of the legendary garfield!

Disclaimer: I don't own Garfield, Schroder, or any other charlie brown characters, or really any other characters in this.

Based on a true story

also based on the writings of shakespearhemmingway.

One day a penis named Schroder came into a box. He found a box he could put his peno on and play with it as a true penis does. But one day he found the box could summon ostriches. He pulled out an ostrich and took it to the pawn shop. They killed it and turned it into a giant pawn, like the chess piece, you know. A grand and intoxicating chess piece it was, it immediately came to loife and started chasing schrodinger all over the place. Schrodinder's frined lucy came. Lucy tripped the giant pawn when no one was looking by tripping it. Before the end of an alliance, the sad pawn sang after her, with a fiery muscadine no one had ever seen before, her apples wobbled greatly, around by a fishicorn. The giant pawn began to cry sadly, very sadly, and called out for help, explaining that was angry that it wasn't an ostrich anymore, and had no clue how to be a chess piece. It begged to be returned to its box of resurrection, to become an ostrich again. They did, and then schroffer went back to playing his piano like always he does.

Beyond the farthest star, an echo of cthulu arose from the deep, he beginning to stir in his sleep. But brave schroder continued to play his music in vain, to prevent the wakening of the dark star god. His waking verily would result in the prolonged tentacle rape of all earthly females, as well as the swift death of all earthly males, though really the guys are getting the better end of that deal, which kind fo sucks when you think about it. Except the women who like tentacle rape I guess, they probably would enjoy it for a while at least, though they'd probably get bored after a while since they wouldn't be able to leave. But yes for a time it would likely be heavy for those women who enjoy the thought of slimy tentacles wrapping around their legs, slowly climbing up their skirts, wrapping around their breasts, reaching into their panties... ah, but we're getting off topic are we not?

And at exactly 10:00 PM Dead chuluth opined his eyes, awakening with awakenedness. He swam upwards through the ocean deep, flying through the water like some swimming flying star god which he was. And his children gathered round him happily, and cthulu killed death so everyone would live forever, and would be able to kill each other without dying like that one episode of family guy, and he didn't actually end up tentacle raping anyone, people were just making up stupid stories when that was said, and I sure fell for it, silly me. So it was pretty fun to be honest although some people who weren't used to it yet found it really scary because people kept stabbing them because they couldn't die anyway, but they would have gotten used to it in time.

And some of the women in the nearby town were extremely disappointed because they were quite enraptured at the thought of tentacles crawling into their pussies and their asshole, and wrapping around and squeezing the milk out of their breasts, but only the really perverted ladies that were into that stuff which I am if I'm being honest...

And then cthulu ate some of his children mooks but that didn't kill them either so they just came out the other end unharmed. But schrodinger didn't know that stuff about cthulu just wanting to make everyone immortal, so from his point of view it was oddly fortunate thereby when shcrodinger's cat garfield died. You see, schroder placed garfield's body in the box of resurrection at the exact moment the clock struck 13:00 midnight, which was only possible because cthulu's awakening twisted spacetime all to hell. This resulted in garfield existing in between existence, both alive and dead, both eldritch and mundane, both man and cat, both space whale and steamroller. Garfield leapt from the box like a roaring lasagna ninja of power. He steamrolled through cthulu's minions that I guess I probably should have mentioned earlier but whatever everyone knows cthulu has minions so I don't need to change anything. Besides its my story and I can write whatever I want anyway.

Cthulu's mooks ran all over the place attempting to dodge, but garfield was a magical homing missile of punches, seeking to bring destruction down upon them like an eldritch engine of despair. Cthulu's minions began to turn and flee, but garfield showed no mercy, transforming into his true form which simply ate them all. Having consumed the mooks, garfield turned his sights toward cthulu, cthulu came up out of the ocean looking for all the world like some sort of giant octopus monster that looks like cthulu. Cthulu roared with the force of a thousand roars, but garfield was undeterred. Cthulu reached out his tentacles and tried to wrap garfiled up in them, but garfield but garfield bite down hard on them, causing cthulu to say "ow, that really hurt, you're not fighting fair!"

"Fine, then I suggest we settle this over a game of Baseball," Said garfield with wisdom.

"an excellent suggestion," Said Cthulu with tentacles.

"I will put up the nets, you turn the temperature down so the rink isn't just a pool," Said Garfield with slyness.

"Okay," said cthulu with foolishness, for as soon as he began working on this Garfield suckerpunched cthulu with the force of a thousand suckerpunches. Cthulu... was dead. But even dead gods dream, don't they? … … … … … NOT WHEN GARFIELD GRINDS THEIR MEAT TO MAKE HIS LASAGNA THEY DON'T! and that is the unofficial but still obviously true story of how Garfield became a manly cat! Unfortunately despite his many greatnesses garfield was kind of a misogynistic fuck like those gamer gate asshats.

Most excellent, was it not?

I hope you enjoyed, and reviews are like alcohol, I am addicted to them, and wreck when I try to use them while driving! So review please, just not while driving. In fact you shouldn't be reading this while driving, put down your phone!


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